Child liberation theologian and abuse survivor advocate Ryan L. Stollar left behind a heartbreaking final blog post before his death at age 42, revealing the devastating personal struggles that had overwhelmed him in his final months.
On the day he died, Stollar published a post titled "The End," in which he disclosed that his wife was divorcing him and said he could no longer envision a future without her.
"As I approach life without my best friend ... I see little to no path forward," he wrote, describing years of living with trauma, mental illness, and emotional exhaustion. He expressed deep regret over what he believed his struggles had cost his wife, apologizing for the financial, emotional, and relational burdens created by years of treatment, therapy, hospitalizations, and suicide attempts.
In one of the post's most emotional sections, Stollar addressed his wife directly, saying he wished he had been able to become the husband he believed she deserved. He also wrote tenderly to his beloved cats, thanking them for giving him reasons to keep living during the previous several months and expressing hope they would be cared for after his death.
Throughout the lengthy post, Stollar repeatedly thanked friends, colleagues, and supporters who had brought moments of joy into an otherwise painful life.
"I have spent most of my life waking up wishing that I was dead," he wrote, adding that the people around him had provided "flashes and sparks of light and meaning that made the pain more bearable."
Stollar also revealed that he had contemplated ending his life for years and said he had delayed acting on those thoughts because he wanted to continue his work as an election safety specialist. According to the post, the breakdown of his marriage ultimately left him feeling unable to continue.
He was candid about his long history of depression, anxiety, bipolar disorder, PTSD, substance abuse, and suicidal thoughts, explaining that he wrote a farewell message because he wanted those he loved to have one final opportunity to hear from him.
The most controversial portion of the blog came near its conclusion, where Stollar directed his anger toward God. Reflecting on the childhood sexual abuse that shaped much of his life and advocacy, he questioned God's existence and condemned what he viewed as God's silence in the face of his suffering.
Stollar wrote that he had devoted years to studying Scripture, developing theology, and advocating for children harmed within churches, yet concluded that he could no longer reconcile those efforts with the lifelong consequences of the abuse he endured as a child.
His words have sparked widespread discussion across Christian communities, with many readers viewing the post as a raw expression of profound trauma rather than a theological statement. Others have pointed to it as a sobering reminder of the lasting impact childhood abuse can have on survivors, even decades later.
Stollar was widely known as the founder of child liberation theology, a movement that sought to place children and their dignity at the center of Christian theology. He also co-founded Homeschoolers Anonymous and authored The Kingdom of Children, becoming one of the most prominent Christian voices advocating for abuse survivors and institutional reform within churches and homeschooling communities.
His death has prompted an outpouring of grief from fellow advocates, theologians, and survivors, many of whom have credited his work with helping them find language for their own experiences while urging churches to continue the work of protecting children and caring for those living with the lifelong effects of abuse.
If you or someone you know is experiencing thoughts of suicide or is in immediate emotional distress, help is available. In the United States and Canada, call or text 988 to reach the Suicide & Crisis Lifeline. If you are elsewhere, contact your local crisis service or emergency services.
